I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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