Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
