You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
zippers are such a cool invention
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
