My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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