Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
