He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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