I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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