Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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