just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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