what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
