Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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