I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
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and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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