Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
