the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
