Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
