you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
