Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
