Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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