Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
