Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
