Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
