I puked a lego.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
