My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
