Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
