By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
