I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
