and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
