tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
