Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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