Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
