Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
