His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
