It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
