FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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