Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We need to get me chipped asap
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize