Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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