he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
