I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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