We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
