Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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