went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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