the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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