we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
