Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
