My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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