Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
