I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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