dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
