Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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