I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
