just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
