I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
