The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
