I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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