i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
