Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Two words: nipple clamps
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