Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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