grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
