He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
two words: eviction party
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
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All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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