he wants to bone in the snuggie
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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