youre lurking in front of me
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
