Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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